Mommy Struggles

I have not posted in a bit because I have found myself somewhat stuck. My daughter, Lily, was also identified as having delays. She is 9 months old now and we had her evaluated around 8 months old. She is having some struggles with her physical strength. This meant another round of evaluations, meetings, and now therapies. While, I am FOREVER grateful for all the professional help with my Christian, I did not think I would have to go through this again with my daughter. I work full time and find I already at times grieve not being home with my kids. I have worked with folks with disabilities (Mental illness or mental retardation) my entire professional career. While this is a blessing, it is also a curse. I know what happens to those people in the "system". I see the pains they experience from their lives not being as they imagined or as there parents imagined. It is like anything else.. I can tell you stories that would make your heart overflow from the gifts of services and would make your heart weep for the lack of supports people recieved. In light of all that, I think the one word I can use to let you know the most how I feel is COMPELLED. Compelled to make sure that I do everything in my power to get my children the supports they need and to push them as far as they can go so that they have the best chance for sucess. I have had friends and family members tell me if Lily is delayed it is because I have to give so much of my attention to my son. Talk about painful. It echoes in me that I could do more to make it not so pr0nounced in my son if I could have more time and could move Lily forward with more support. Today, someone asked me if I was just being paranoid about my daughter being delayed. I just felt like "UGGGHHHH!" Do people really think that I want to be experiencing this heart wrenching fear and constant state of worry?? There are certain realities you know as a parent that has working in this field. I know that his support team can help him blossom or keep him stagnant. I do understand that if your not a parent of a child with a disability, you can not truly understand. I can tell you that working with disabilities my entire life, did not give me the knowledge that having a child did about what it really feels like from a parent's perspective. I know since my sons disability, I see with new eyes and hear with new ears. Things affect me differently and I seem to feel even more empassioned than I did before to be a voice, an advocate for those people that may not have a voice. I admit I have Mommy struggles. I also have joys beyond belief. I know my heart still leaps when I see my children when they wake up.. that smile and need to cuddle with mama could not be replaced. I still feel my childrens laughter to the tip of my toes. They fill me with a joy I never understood before being their Mom. I will continue to seek God's answers and learn more as we journey together.